Thursday, November 5, 2009
by Amy Rosen
My mother passed this last May, and we are still taking care of her estate. In spite of all the pre-planning we had done, we still had lots of the same problems we had when we lost our Dad in 1986. My sister and I decided that this time we would do a much better job of planning.
After dad passed away, we pretty much took care of Mom -- then 68 years old -- not because she was ill, but because she had never written a check, she couldn’t drive, and was very dependant on Dad for pretty much everything. This actually made things easier for us. Mom really didn’t mind our care since she had been dependant on dad all those years.
Mom had a pre-planned will of what
she wanted if she passed: what she wanted done with her things, who was to get what, and what not to give away. As mom got older, she decided she wanted to make more of her inheritance choices and started to clean out her home from “extra” things she was no longer needing or wanting. For our birthdays, she would give a piece of jewelry that was given to her by my dad or by someone in the family.
These birthdays actually became a special time for my sister and me because we were “inheriting” memories of the past to enjoy now. It gave mom great pleasure to see us wear something she had given us, and she would relive the moment, giving a detailed account about the item. My sister and I appreciated these gifts because now we knew the stories behind the mementos, and we can
now start sharing the same stories with
our children, giving them gifts of memories so they too can appreciate the stories.
By the time mom passed she had pretty much cleaned out her home of “extra” stuff, some of value and some not. She kept only the bare necessities for her everyday life, which was a great help to my sister and me when we had to sell her home. Still, it was very difficult to get rid of her things, no matter the value. The home had been a gift to Mom and Dad from my sisters and me, which we had purchased back in 1968, so the transition of selling was easy but still very emotional.
We sold the home in three weeks, but the rush of emptying it out and getting it ready for the buyer was very difficult: living in the Bay Area and traveling for as many three-day weekends as possible, getting storage, cleaning the house for the new owners, and taking care of her estate and the final paper work that has still has to be done.
The lesson we learned was to be prepared. It is difficult to talk to anyone about what they want in case of their death, but frankly I don’t want anyone, especially my daughter, to have the burden of making those decisions for me.
Labels: eldercare, estate planning, parents, sandwich generation, senior care, seniors
posted @ 6:32 PM
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
by Vicki Paul
As the Executive Director of Aunt Ann’s Home Care, I am responsible (among other things) for managing the care and supervising the caregivers of all Aunt Ann’s clients. Having been in home care since 1982, I can carry out my duties with one hand tied behind my back. I love what I do and take pride in my work. Piece of cake!!
My 81 year old Mother has Alzheimer’s disease. She lives in my home town, Wilson, North Carolina. I also help manage her care long distance. You would think this would come as easy to me as my job does. NOT!!! This is the hardest job I have ever undertaken. I have it easy: my two younger brothers and my sister-in-law must deal with Mom’s issues on a daily basis. Living so far away, I do my best to support them and guide them in the everyday issues that arise.
Generally speaking Mom does well. She lives in her home with caregivers who live-in. She goes to family functions, out to dinner and church on Sunday. She is never alone. In many ways we are fortunate. She does not wander, has fair bowel and bladder control, usually gets along with everyone, and still remembers family members. Of course there are times... like the day she went flying out the back door to meet my brothers on the driveway to tell them "Did you know that your Dad sold the house to 'that woman' for one dollar?!!" My Dad died two years ago and "that woman" is the caregiver. Mom's disease prevents her from understanding reasoning. My brothers had to go along with her and attempt to redirect her. They were there to take her out to dinner, so changing the subject and taking her away from the house was successful in defusing the situation. I was left to support my brothers in the fact that their actions were appropriate despite their difficulty in agreeing that Daddy sold the house.
When dealing with Mom we must always remember to live in her moment. The most difficult part is agreeing with her when we know in our heart that it is the disease talking, not the Mom that we grew up with. Guilt seems to be the emotion of choice for all of us. Professionally, I tell families to be proud of the fact that their loved one is safe and comfortable in their own home; be proud that you and your family have facilitated the necessary care. Enjoy the time you spend with the client and find joy in whatever mood presents itself. I tell families that their role is to be a supportive family member and leave the caregiving responsibilities to the professionals. Role reversal is a typical event when a family member needs care for any reason.
My brothers and I now have our own lives to deal with in addition to the time it takes to care for Mom. Everyday I miss my Mom and am sad that I live so far away. I visit as often as I can and support my brothers and sister-in-law by phone and email to the best of my ability. I am so grateful that they are willing to directly oversee her care and participate in her life. Long distance care management, the most difficult job I will ever have. Having Mom safe and sound in her own home, going to Aunt Betsy’s to play cards every Saturday, celebrating my nephew’s birthday, PRICELESS!!!
Let go the guilt and revel in the priceless moments!!
For more information, contact
Family Caregiver Alliance, a support network for family caregivers.
Labels: Alzheimer's disease, care at home, caregiver, eldercare, home care, home health care, parents, senior care, seniors
posted @ 3:52 PM
Friday, September 18, 2009
I'm Beth Terry, the CFO of Aunt Ann's Home Care as well as the editor of this blog. When I first started working at Aunt Ann's over 10 years ago, I really had no personal experience with home care or caring for the elderly. I was in my early 30's and my parents were not yet at that point.
Well, time is slowly slipping by, and my parents are beginning to need assistance. The trouble is that my dad will not admit it. He's the caretaker, responsible for not only my mom, whose Alzheimer's disease has been steadily progressing for the last 10 years, but also my brother David, who has Down Syndrome. While caring for Mom and David, my dad also volunteers to help out needy people at church, giving rides and even sometimes financial assistance. And although he takes care of others, he's unwilling to accept help himself.
But last month something started to change. Living in Hawaii, thousands of miles away from me or my other siblings, my dad finally realized that maybe it was time to move back to the mainland. And that maybe the move was more than he could handle alone. He called my sister and told her he felt overwhelmed, not knowing where to start, and spending day after day playing computer Solitaire to escape his worries. And so it was that my sister, brother, and I flew to Hawaii to set things right. I have to say, we were feeling pretty confident that we could handle whatever arose.
Of course, things don't always work out the way we expect them to. No sooner did we arrive, than we found our dad not in the midst of packing or organizing to move back but instead planning all kinds of fun activities for us while we were there. A trip to the Polynesian Cultural Center, Hanauma Bay, Diamond Head, maybe even a show. He didn't want to work. He wanted to play. And we were going to have to be the mean parents insisting that we weren't there to have fun but to "help" him.
When it became clear that he didn't really want to move away from Hawaii in the first place, we devised a different strategy. At least we could get a home care aide for my mom who couldn't care for herself and whose activities had been limited due to a recent fall. I called Vicki Paul, my friend and the Executive Director of Aunt Ann's, to find out what steps we should take. She advised me to call my parents' long term care insurance company for information, and she guided me through how to set up an appointment with a nurse to assess my mom's care needs.
I felt pretty good about these decisions, until a walk with my dad revealed that he didn't feel the same way. "I feel like you're telling me I'm incompetent," he said. "I feel like we shouldn't ask for help if we don't need it." My heart sank. My poor dad's sense of worth and dignity were based on being competent and helpful to others. Here I was breaking his spirit when all I wanted to do was make things better for them.
"Dad," I said. "Please just let the nurse come and give some suggestions. You're doing a great job. But the nurse is a trained professional. Maybe she can suggest some ways to care for Mom that you haven't thought of. And maybe there are some tasks that a qualified home care aide could perform that would allow you to be an even better caregiver for Mom. Isn't that what you both deserve?"
Dad reluctantly agreed to the assessment. The nurse came and evaluated my mom and made her recommendations. In the end, my dad opted not to pursue home care at this time. But I feel like the stage is set. The wheels are in motion. I'm hoping that when the time comes that my dad is ready to consider home care again, it will be easier for him to accept the help that is available.
Labels: care at home, caregiver, eldercare, home care, home health care, parents, senior care, seniors
posted @ 4:34 PM
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