Aunt Ann's Blog

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Pre-Planning My Mother's Estate

by Amy Rosen

My mother passed this last May, and we are still taking care of her estate. In spite of all the pre-planning we had done, we still had lots of the same problems we had when we lost our Dad in 1986. My sister and I decided that this time we would do a much better job of planning.

After dad passed away, we pretty much took care of Mom -- then 68 years old -- not because she was ill, but because she had never written a check, she couldn’t drive, and was very dependant on Dad for pretty much everything. This actually made things easier for us. Mom really didn’t mind our care since she had been dependant on dad all those years.

Mom had a pre-planned will of what she wanted if she passed: what she wanted done with her things, who was to get what, and what not to give away. As mom got older, she decided she wanted to make more of her inheritance choices and started to clean out her home from “extra” things she was no longer needing or wanting. For our birthdays, she would give a piece of jewelry that was given to her by my dad or by someone in the family.

These birthdays actually became a special time for my sister and me because we were “inheriting” memories of the past to enjoy now. It gave mom great pleasure to see us wear something she had given us, and she would relive the moment, giving a detailed account about the item. My sister and I appreciated these gifts because now we knew the stories behind the mementos, and we can now start sharing the same stories with our children, giving them gifts of memories so they too can appreciate the stories.

By the time mom passed she had pretty much cleaned out her home of “extra” stuff, some of value and some not. She kept only the bare necessities for her everyday life, which was a great help to my sister and me when we had to sell her home. Still, it was very difficult to get rid of her things, no matter the value. The home had been a gift to Mom and Dad from my sisters and me, which we had purchased back in 1968, so the transition of selling was easy but still very emotional.

We sold the home in three weeks, but the rush of emptying it out and getting it ready for the buyer was very difficult: living in the Bay Area and traveling for as many three-day weekends as possible, getting storage, cleaning the house for the new owners, and taking care of her estate and the final paper work that has still has to be done.

The lesson we learned was to be prepared. It is difficult to talk to anyone about what they want in case of their death, but frankly I don’t want anyone, especially my daughter, to have the burden of making those decisions for me.

Labels: eldercare, estate planning, parents, sandwich generation, senior care, seniors

posted @ 6:32 PM
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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Close to Home Care After All

Hi there... My name is Jo, a.k.a. Jo Anne Montoya, and I’m the bookkeeper at Aunt Ann’s Home Care. When Vicki mentioned in her introduction that I previously worked at Pizza and Pipes for sixteen years, I thought, "Oh no, people are going to wonder how home care relates to the pizza industry." I thought about that and realized it was a blessing in disquise, that everything happens for a reason.

As I look back, I see my daughter sleeping under my office desk at the pizza restaurant when she was small and had a day off school, or when I was suddenly called to bring her home when she was sick and I didn’t have daycare lined up. As she got older, from under my desk a foot would stick out, then both feet, then her legs, and finally she was too big and we had to look for alternatives.

One such alternative were my folks, who were only 5 minutes away. My grandmother on my mom’s side was living with them. Grandma was getting up there in age but loved it when my daughter came to visit. They used to play cards for hours, Grandma making up her own rules as they played, bless her heart. I saw the challenges my parents faced on a regular basis, especially my mom, as she was the primary caregiver.

Poor Mom. Did she not know there was help out there? Did she think only my dad could help? When she got so frustrated and wanted to pull her hair out, Dad would step in and take over. Oh the energy, the helpfulness, the helplessness, the love. Ah the love, giving Mom everything she needed, or was it? A big piece was missing... who was taking care of them? Did they not know there were home health agencies... home care facilities, eldercare attendants?

While my parents were taking care of my grandma (my mom’s mom), my other grandparents on my dad’s side were also getting up there in age. They were getting ready to celebrate their 50th Wedding Anniversary when my grandma died fairly unexpectedly. My grandfather was heart broken, his health started failing quickly, and our family needed help. This time, with the help of my dad’s siblings, they sought help, hired a caregiver, and began an extension to our family, which I will tell you about in a later post.

My parents didn't realize that they were part of the "sandwich generation," a generation of people caring for their aging parents as well as their own children or children's children. I realize as I write this, that I too am entering the sandwich generation and am thankful for the resources available.

Editor's Note: Our July Resources section provides useful links and information for members of the sandwich generation.

Labels: care at home, caregiver, eldercare, home care, home health care, sandwich generation, senior care, seniors

posted @ 3:06 PM
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